When a child suddenly can’t face school, it can turn every morning into a source of dread for the whole family. Parents may feel torn between wanting to protect their child and worrying about their education, especially when tears, anger, panic, or physical symptoms are all contributing to school anxiety.
You’re not alone in this, and there are practical, realistic steps you can take. This guide focuses on how to help a child with anxiety about school through a clear step-by-step approach that you can adapt to your situation.
Understanding school anxiety
School anxiety happens when a child becomes so distressed about attending school that it affects their attendance, learning and day‑to‑day wellbeing. It can be driven by fears around separation, crowds, academic pressure, or social situations.
The same child may be fine during one part of the day but overwhelmed at another. It’s important to stay observant and keep an open conversation about how they feel about school. If they start to develop school anxiety, you might notice:
- Physical complaints such as stomach aches or headaches
- Distress when getting dressed or ready to leave for school
- Changes to sleep or appetite
- A drop in confidence, concentration or motivation
- A decline in mood and loss of enjoyment in activities they used to like
School anxiety is an emotional difficulty, although it can easily be misread at first as laziness or bad behaviour. Recognising it as anxiety makes it easier to respond with patience and problem‑solving rather than punishment.
Why early support matters
Recent research shows why it’s important to act sooner rather than later:
- A Department for Education survey from May 2025 found that around one in four pupils had missed school in the previous two weeks because of anxiety or other mental health problems. This included 22% of year 7 to 9s, and 30% of year 10 and 11 students.
- 21% of children reported experiencing some form of bullying in the last year.
- Most pupils said they had at least some understanding of how to manage their wellbeing, with 67% feeling confident they know how to look after their mental health and 55% believing their school or college teaches them how to do so.
- Despite this, 17% said they often felt lonely, showing that many still struggle with a sense of belonging.
- Research from the British Medical Journal (BMJ) suggests that emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) affects 1–5% of pupils in England.
- The BMJ also found that when pupils miss school due to anxiety, their worries often increase, and only about half of pupils with attendance below 90% reach expected standards in reading, writing and maths by the end of year 9.
These findings underline that recognising school anxiety early, and putting calm, structured support in place, can protect both learning outcomes and children’s wellbeing.
Step-by-step guide: what to do when your child can’t face school
Try to follow the five‑step process below but keep it flexible for your family’s situation. You don’t need to complete each step perfectly. When researching how to help your child with anxiety about school, it’s important to remember that small, consistent actions are what matter most.
Step 1: Listen first
The first step in helping with school anxiety is to listen. Small changes in your child’s attitude to school can be early signs of something bigger.
Choose a calm moment and ask your child how they feel about school. Let them know you want to understand, not tell them off or make them go in. Give them time to answer. Some children will talk while others, especially if younger, may find it easier to draw or write about their feelings.
Make sure you really listen and reflect on what you hear. For example, “It sounds like you feel sick when you think about going into class,” or “You’re worried about what will happen at break time” can be useful to clarify to the child you’re understanding.
Try to resist the urge to give quick reassurances (for example, “You’ll be fine,” when a child is being bullied) or jump straight to solutions. At this stage, the aim is for your child to feel heard and believed. That sense of being understood is often the first step towards change.
Step 2: Discuss the issue with the school
Once you have a better idea of what your child is experiencing, bring the school into the picture.
Start by contacting your child’s class teacher or head of year and outlining what you’re seeing at home. Explain specific behaviours or patterns you’ve noticed, rather than simply saying they are “school avoidant”. For example, mention if they become particularly anxious on certain days (such as PE days) or around particular activities or lessons.
It’s also helpful to ask the school:
- Whether they’ve noticed any changes in behaviour, attitude, or friendships
- Who is responsible for attendance and wellbeing (for example, a pastoral lead, SENCo or attendance officer)
- What systems already exist to support children with school anxiety
Once you know the school’s insights and support systems, you can work together to build a shared picture of what’s happening and begin to put a support plan in place.
Step 3: Create a plan
If your child has started to miss days or weeks of school, expecting an immediate return to full‑time attendance can make their anxiety worse. A gradual, carefully planned re‑entry is usually more successful, and there is support you can access in the meantime.
Alternatively, you may want to research school alternatives for anxiety, or topics such as flexischooling if you feel this is the best pathway for your child. There is no right or wrong method when deciding what is best for your child.
If you are wanting your child to return fully in-person, map out clear and manageable steps with the school. Each step should feel slightly more challenging, but not overwhelming. Different children are at different levels of school anxiety, so not every step will be necessary for everyone. Examples include:
- Visiting the school site outside of normal hours or during quieter times of day.
- Spending time on the school grounds in a familiar area such as the library or support room, without joining lessons.
- Attending school for a brief, agreed period – for example, one lesson or part of a morning – focusing first on teachers and subjects they enjoy to rebuild a sense of safety.
- Increasing the number of lessons attended or the length of stay over several days or weeks.
- Gradually building back towards a partial, then full day, once your child feels more secure.
In the interim, you may find that a full return to in‑person schooling is not realistic. There are school alternatives for anxiety that can help your child maintain their learning, and it’s worth researching these from the outset. You can read more about how online learning supports children with EBSA and school anxiety in our dedicated blog.
What matters most is taking steady, small steps. Progress is often uneven, and you may move one step forward, then two steps back. This is normal. Take things at your child’s pace and adjust the plan as needed.
Step 4: Seek professional support if needed
For some children, especially when anxiety has been present for a long time or is linked to other emotional or developmental needs, additional professional support can be very helpful. The school is one place to start – they may have counsellors, mental health support teams or pastoral staff you can access.
You can also speak to your GP. They will be able to assess if there is an underlying cause for physical symptoms like stomach aches or nausea, and they’ll also be able to discuss how anxiety affects your child and refer you to specialist mental health services where appropriate.
Make sure to keep brief notes about absences, triggers and what has or hasn’t helped so you can bring these with you. This makes conversations with professionals more specific and productive when you’re explaining how school anxiety is affecting your child.
Step 5: Maintain consistency at home
While these steps are happening, the way you structure home life can make a big difference to how your child experiences school anxiety.
Try to keep weekdays feeling different from weekends, even if your child is not currently attending school in the usual way. This might include:
- Waking up at roughly the same time each morning
- Having regular mealtimes
- Setting specific times for learning activities, reading, or online lessons
- Making time for relaxation and outdoor activity
- Maintaining some social contact so your child is not isolated
Explain, in an age‑appropriate way, that education is still important, and talk through the plan for returning to school if that is the best option for your child.
Predictable routines don’t mean you have to be rigid, but they do create a simple framework that helps your child know what to expect – which can be grounding when anxiety feels chaotic and overwhelming.
How to support your child day to day
Alongside the step‑by‑step plan, there are small, daily actions that can support your child with their school anxiety:
- Keep communication open and empathetic. Reassure them that their feelings are valid and that you’ll work on solutions together.
- Practise relaxation or breathing techniques to help manage strong emotions before and during the school day.
- Encourage rewarding activities outside school that build confidence and social connection.
- Maintain realistic expectations: recovery from school anxiety can take time, and small wins matter.
- Model calmness yourself; children often take their cues from how adults respond when stress rises.
Final thoughts
Above all, when researching how to help a child with anxiety about school, the goal is for your child to feel safe, capable, and connected to their learning. It’s important that their needs are recognised and met, whether that’s through adjustments in school, additional pastoral or clinical support, or a different way of accessing education for a period of time.
There is no single right route through school anxiety. What matters is finding a combination of steps that helps your child feel understood, reduces their distress, and keeps them engaged with learning in a way they can manage. With patience, clear communication, and the right support network around you, most children can move from feeling overwhelmed by school to feeling more confident and in control again.
If you’d like to discuss support for your child regarding online schooling or private tutoring to aid with school anxiety, get in contact with us today.
By Ryan Lockett, Headteacher of TLC LIVE’s Online School